Pardon the pun, but it carries an important point: sex ed should be fun, right? I mean, not sexually satisfying, obviously that's inappropriate, but talking about sex should be fun. And I think with a younger audience, especially teenagers, we risk alienating them when we try to keep it textbook and intellectual. I think bringing a little humor and levity to the subject could help make some of the more important topics accessible.
I remember a time when I was younger and there were discussions about whether or not condoms were cool. It wasn't quite that straight-forward, but in general kids were parsing out their urges to contradict authority figures, to seek out pleasure, and to keep themselves safe. Since then, I think the condom companies and culture at large have done a good job of branding condoms as sexy (it's not like it's hard to do,) and I think the same lesson could be applied to other parts of sex ed that are suffering from an overly textbook-type of treatment in these classrooms, namely: consent.
The concept of sexual consent has received a wide variety of treatments in popular culture. But in my experience, even attempts to make it light and funny still equate it to a contractual obligation. And while it might get a laugh for the time being, and does an effective job of spreading awareness about obtaining consent (as well as its highly conditional nature, which is something that often gets missed), I think that dry, vanilla image of a paper contract tends to stick with people.
The reality is that consent can be sexy, just like condoms can be sexy. It's simply unnecessary to break the mood and have a "serious discussion" in order to obtain consent properly. What's even more important is the message that nonconsensual sexual encounters, encounters where there is doubt about the other person's desires and intentions, are stressful, dangerous and (this one is key) un-fun. Consent is hot! And it's way more fun to have sex with someone who repeatedly, enthusiastically, desperately tells you how hot they are for you, and that they want you. Never mind that it's safer and healthier - it's more fun! I think that's a message that will stick with teenagers a lot better than simply stressing the importance of consent, and then scaring them with messages about rape. Because the first step to truly combating rape culture is to make consent cool.
In terms of branding, I honestly think this is another gimme, just like condoms were. We can talk about "communication" all day but when we phrase it that way, all teenagers are ever going to picture is two people sitting down having a very serious, very dry, very un-fun conversation about what they will and will not do in bed tonight. But as sexually active adults, we know that that's not always the reality. Talking about sex gets you hot. And consent can be obtained in ways that promote the mood, rather than killing it. Why are we hiding this super awesome truth from kids? It's something they would love to hear! And it would help prevent rape and sexual assault due to lack of communication, which is way more common than aggressive rape.
I'm not saying that no sex ed class has ever been fun or used humor to keep things moving. I've certainly had some entertaining sex ed teachers and professors during my schooling. But in my experience, consent is a topic that's treated with a lot of weight. I understand why; it's very important that this message get across. At the end of the day, it's about safety. But learning HOW to do it, how to obtain consent, how to have sex in safe, respectful ways doesn't have to be dry and boring. In fact, I feel that strategy is somewhat purpose-defeating.
Another problematic aspect of classic lessons about consent is the focus on the word "no." Of course it's important for kids to hear that if your partner says "no," you stop. But the tricky part is that people don't always say "no." Sometimes they can't, sometimes they won't and sometimes they're scared or nervous. The problem with using "no" as our starting point is that then we have to backtrack through a laundry list of "warning signs" that people need to keep an eye out for. By the time you're done with a lesson like this, sex sounds like a chore.
There has been something of a shift lately - and I hope it continues - to focusing instead on "yes." Rather than going forward unless there is an audible objection, how about we only move forward if there is a clear and obvious agreement? This is, in every possible way, a more positive message. And even more importantly: it's more fun.
In short, the first and best tool we have for combating rape culture is to first remind ourselves that sex should be fun. If everyone involved isn't having fun, you're doing it wrong. I think that's a rule of thumb that everyone can agree with.
Well. It's kind of a chore unless you know what you're doing, hence the need for education and going methodically (or, I suppose, just lucking into a situation where you don't have to communicate explicitly to be understood).
ReplyDeleteI'm all for signals that aren't just boring, but really, if things do happen that aren't ideal, if people really do turn out to be different from each other, everyone becomes a lawyer. In my view. Better to let people deal with the difficulties of the reality than to give them false confidence, in my opinion.
Teaching that explicit verbal consent is necessary in every sexual encounter is not giving people false confidence. It's honest, because it's true. Allowing that grey area to persist is what feeds rape culture. Okay, so consent isn't going to be super-hot every time, but it doesn't have to be bland and contractual either, and I think spreading the idea that it CAN be hot will only do good.
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